Being a parent has taught me how to do a lot of things, but the one thing it has taught me how to do best is LYING!
After years of honing my lying skills, I’m basically a professional liar now. Like when my kid asks “Mom! Where is the bag of slime I made at school?”, I can say “I have no idea” or “Someone must have came into our house and took it!” and no one would ever know that that nasty bag of slime is long buried at the bottom of the trash can!
Come Christmas time, nearly every other sentence that is spoken to my kids is a lie as I skillfully weave my web of elf on the shelf, santa, north pole, flying reindeer, how santa gets into our house, how santa visits so many houses in one night, if the toys made by elves are the same toys that you buy on amazon, etc. etc.
Tooth fairy lies also come naturally. The other day, my 6-year-old lost a tooth and decided she would leave a note for the tooth fairy. In her note, she asked 2 questions: 1) what is your name? and 2) what is your favorite color?
As is common in our household, the tooth fairy failed to visit the first night due to negligence. This resulted in great disappointment and me offering possible reasons she failed to visit, including that the tooth probably wasn’t placed in the right spot under the pillow. The next night, I set an alarm for 9 p.m. to carry out my tooth fairy duties because this is the level of responsibility that is expected of an expert liar. My husband and partner in deceit drafted the response that apologized for the missed visit because “weekends are a very busy time”.
We named our tooth fairy Ruth (after RBG, obviously) Sparkle-Pants (because she’s a member of #pantsuitnation). Her favorite color is white because “that’s the color of beautiful and healthy teeth” (but also #suffragettewhite). Because a good lie has to have depth, our tooth fairy is obviously a feminist.
So, as long as I’m a parent, I will continue on with my lying ways. But of course, all the while telling my kids how important it is to be honest and truthful.